- How we doin' out there, Leila? - Fuck you!
How you doing, my ass! I知 totally soaked out here.
Aw, come on now, I pay you two bucks a day, don't I?
Get off your lazy ass and come and help me!
Cut me some slack, will ya?
I知 workin' hard too, you know.
Now what?
- Son of a bitch. Pantucci! - Ow! Shit, man!
I'm flyin' blind up here, Brainiac. I thought you fixed the radar.
- It's a little temperamental. You have to be gentle. - Gentle, my ass.
The whole system just crapped out on me.
- Killed off by your negative vibes. - No doubt.
Are you hittin' that thing again?
No.
You know, where is it written that I have to go out there and work?
I mean, you know, Finnegan, why don't you get your ass out there sometime?
I love you too, Leila.
- Everything all right? - Just peachy.
We are on schedule, are we not?
- You didn't hire me for my social graces. - That's right.
We hired you for your reputation. You better live up to it.
- Where are we? - Right there. Middle of nowhere.
- And our final destination? - Right...
there.
- Middle of nowhere squared. - Finny.
Yeah, I heard of you. But I thought you'd be older.
Like a fine wine, I'm aging gracefully. Thank you.
Like a fine wine, my ass.
You look more like a keg of beer to me.
Any questions, Mr. Finnegan?
Nope. I get paid to shut up and do my job.
So I shut up and do my job.
You're not the least bit curious as to where we're going?
Like the sign says, "If the cash is there, we do not care."
Very good.
Where the hell are we goin'?
Ladies and gentlemen!
Ladies and gentlemen. Mesdames et messieurs.
If I could have your attention for just one moment, please.
On behalf of myself, Captain Atherton and his crew,
welcome to the maiden voyage of the Argonautica!
Each and every one of the hundreds of men and women...
in service upon this vessel...
has but one objective:
To make your dreams come true.
As for myself, my entire life...
I have had but one dream:
To create the greatest, most luxurious,
most expensive pleasure ship ever built.
And tonight, seeing all of you here...
so beautiful, so elegant,
so rich...
I realize that my dream has come true,
and I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for making it so.
To the Argonautica! Good times forever!
Forever!
We're having a wonderful time.
This ship is so smooth we can't believe it!
She's state-of-the-art. Not another ship like her, ma'am.
She can hit a 40-foot swell and not even put a ripple across your martini.
It's been very nice meeting you people. I hope you enjoy the rest of the cruise.
- Thank you so much, Captain. - Oh!
- Excuse me. - Non, non, excusez-moi, mon capitaine.
Really, very sorry.
Au revoir.
Nice picture.
I hate this bloody water stuff.
- That reminds me, I'm hungry. - You're always hungry.
Yeah. So? I知 a growing boy, you know.
- You're still growing? - You got a problem with that?
- Be happy I don't eat you. - So what you realizing, Mamooli?
Uh, well, that my goal in life before I die...
is to make love to a woman from every country on earth.
Like, countries acknowledged by the U.N.? Or like, made-up countries too?
- What the hell does that mean? - Like T. Ray's country.
Shut your face, Billy. Australia's a country.
- Australia's an island. - Well, technically, it's a continent.
Ah, shit, man. Island, country, continent. If there's women there,
well, I'm interested.
You come to my country, I shoot your ass.
Does he ever talk about anything else but women?
Nah, not that I recall. The only way to shut him up is to shoot him.
- Yeah, that's right. - Yeah?
- You ever thought about it? - Every day.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh. - Come on, boys.
- Sit down, right? - Ooh, ooh.
Go back to Australia.
All right, what's this, now? Ooh, a book without pictures.
Well done, mate.
You know what I want to eat?
I値l take a couple of nice, greasy pig's feet,
some pickled monkey brains and one of them big elephant eyeballs.
Raw, so they pop when you bite them.
Yummy.
You like that?
- Oh, man, that's disgusting. - T. Ray, you stinking up the place.
Oh, shut up.
Hey, knock it off. You're not getting paid to party.
Ah!
Pantucci! Pantucci!
You're not where I think you are, are ya?
Hola.
Listen, this radar's still funky. I can feel it, and it's a very bad feeling.
You know how many uncharted islands are out here?
I don't know. Two?
Very funny. Wait till I crash this rig into some goddamn, no-name island.
What is this, a talk show? I need some quiet time.
Over and out.
Whoa. Nasty.
Whoa.
Hit you.
Oh, shit.
"Oh, shit."
- I知 feelin' a real lack of love here. - Get in there!
- Ohh. - Well, what do we have here, fellas?
I found him snoopin' around the cargo.
If there's anything I can do to make your trip more comfortable, come to me.
G'day, mate.
Well, don't just sit there! Go help him!
- Are you kiddin' me? Those guys are dangerous. - No shit!
- You've got to do something. - I find you live longer if you don't.
Finnegan!
We got a contract.
Twenty hours out and back.
You beat my engine man to death, it's gonna take a hell of a lot longer.
Which is okay by me, since overtime will run you double rate.
He was nosin' around in my cargo.
Okay, so he's nosey.
The contract was "no questions asked."
Yo, fellas. I vote...
we kick this little piece of shit overboard.
Well, I vote we kill him.
I vote we kill him, then we throw him overboard.
Well, we don't vote here. See, it's not a democracy.
Okay. I値l say it one more time for the hearing impaired.
This could be messy.
Vivo.
Everybody okay?
Anybody gonna shoot anybody?
You know, you boys ought to get out more often.
That's a year off my life.
Please enter your security key card.
Good evening, Captain Atherton.
- Good evening to you. - The vault is now open.
Oh, choices, choices.
Ooh, you're a big, bad boy, aren't ya?
Hmm. You're more my size.
Et voila, le necklace.
Good evening, mademoiselle.
- Hello. - Red-handed. My God, what a cheeky little trollop you are.
Good evening, gentlemen. I was just on my way out.
- Or maybe not. - A good decision.
There's no place to run. The nearest land is... What, 600 miles, Captain?
- Nearer 800, sir. - According to this fax we received...
- Oh, that's not a very flattering photograph, is it? - Let me see.
You're wanted for burglary, robbery, forgery.
Oh! And attempted murder.
My ex-boyfriend. What?
Six arrests, five convictions, and wanted in four countries.
How does a beautiful woman as young as yourself...
amass such an incredible record?
- Trust me, it wasn't easy. - I think it's because you're not very good at what you do.
- Oh! - Steady on, Canton. No need for that.
Uh-uh! I believe that's my card.
- Thank you. - Do we have a brig on this ship?
Yes, we do, sir. But it's not finished yet.
- Can't put a lady in the brig! - True.
But you, mademoiselle, are no lady.
Hey, watch it!
Hmm. And you, Mr. Canton, are no gentleman.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow. Ow!
They must be 30 feet long, man.
They're not nukes or nothin', but the bang sure would make your butt pucker.
You ever pull that shit again, I'll kill you myself.
Hold still, you big dummy.
I知 sorry. It stings! Hey, do you think we could pull over?
You got any novocaine?
Oh, yes, my little love bug,
but just a little.
- I think I need a higher dosage. - You always need a higher dosage.
- How many of those things are there? - Huh?
I don't know. Eight or nine of 'em. Enough to sink a damn aircraft carrier.
This is just great. Now I got bombs in my basement.
Maybe it's just me, but if you'd ask a question or two before accepting a job...
If the cash is there, we do not care.
What kind of life philosophy is that, man?
Torpedoes. What the hell are they gonna do with torpedoes?
Yes!
Gentlemen. Say hello to the Chinese...
M1-L1 triple-pulse assault rifle.
Rotating barrel, thousand-round capacity.
- Auto cooling, watertight. - Yeah!
Cheers, babe.
What?
What's happening here, gentlemen?
Communications, what's your status?
All thermal and laser imaging generating a negative white screen response, sir.
- That's impossible. - Captain, radar not responding either.
Right. Switch to auxiliary power, Mr. Lewis.
Let's do a circuit check.
No response, sir. We have a complete mainframe meltdown.
- What about the communications gear? - Gone. All completely gone!
- Maybe it's the storm, sir. - No, no. That's nonsense.
- This ship is impervious to weather. - Can we still send?
Our signal goes out static, sir. I致e never seen anything like it.
This equipment is state-of-the-art! Top of the line!
Mr. Canton, please!
We are in a very dangerous situation here. We are running...
without radar or any form of imaging; we are sailing blind.
- No way to communicate our situation. - I have something here, sir.
- What is it, Colin? - I don't know, sir,
but whatever it is, it's, uh, big.
Probably just a pod of whales.
Moving at 31 knots, sir? I don't think so.
- Where's it coming from? - Directly beneath us, sir.
160 meters directly beneath us and rising very quickly.
150 meters. 140.
130. 120.
110. 100 meters.
Ninety, eighty.
- Seventy, sixty. - What are they?
Fifty meters.
Oh, my God.
Open up!
Hey! Who said you could put holes in my boat?
I didn't say you could put holes in my boat! That's gonna cost you extra!
- What the hell is that? - I don't know.
Let's go!
Looks like some kind of...
It's a torpedo launcher.
- I... I don't like this. - Yeah, I know. Neither do I.
- How much longer? - Another 22 minutes,
we'll be right on top of, uh,
whatever's out there.
What the hell was that?
Hang on!
Joey! Joey, talk to me! Damage?
Yeah. We got a hole in the starboard bow.
- Taking water? - A little, but it's just above the water line.
I got no power coming from Jezebel. She's out cold.
Something's wrong with Hercules. He's not getting any petrol.
That's it. I知 shuttin' her down.
Shit! What the hell did we hit?
- We got a big-ass hole here! - Get it out! Get it out!
Get it off the cases!
What the hell was that?
Whatever it was, it nearly took my bloody head off!
What are you laughing at?
'Cause we're alive, you idiot.
A direct hit on any of these warheads and pfft! We'd be history, mate.
We got a hole in the starboard bow the size of Nebraska!
What's the status down here?
- Old Jezebel got it right through the brain pan. - What did we hit?
You got me.
- I think we killed a speedboat. - A speedboat!
We're hell and gone from the nearest land.
There's no way a speedboat gets out this far. No way.
Ow! Shit, man! Finnegan, nothing works! Hercules is shot to shit.
His gears are all mangled. His cylinder head seized up, I think.
We're leakin' fuel fast.
I give us 20 minutes, half hour, tops, and then we're dead in the water.
Finnegan, you do something.
We have a job to finish, a schedule to maintain.
- Man, would you listen to this crap? - Shut up, grease monkey!
- You're expendable. Know what I mean? - Yeah, I know. Story of my life.
Hey, get your asses up here!
- There's something out there. - What? Well, let me see.
- W-Wait! - Let me see it. Let me see it!
Whoa. It's a... It's a cruise ship.
Do you think she could spare some fuel?
And a few minutes in her machine shop.
Absolutely.
What the hell...
We'll take over from here.
You know, Hanover, a ship like that,
they got half a dozen different ways to call for help.
Not anymore.
Pantucci, can you fix this thing?
If I can get into the Love Boat's machine shop,
yeah, maybe I can fix this hunk of junk.
She ain't gonna run pretty, but she'll run.
They've armed all the bombs, man. They're alive.
All right.
- Finnegan and the grease monkey will come with us. - Wait a minute.
- The three of us stick together. - From now on, you'll be sticking with me.
- Billy! - Yeah, Chief.
Finish the torpedo launcher and watch the lady.
- Aye, Chief. - I値l watch her. I haven't done Korea.
Hey, Mr. Comedy, leave my girlfriend out of this.
You trying to fuck with me?
Hey, hey, hey! Behave yourself.
- She'd eat you alive anyway, eh? - Hey, cool out.
Knock this shit off.
This is worse than high school.
Cruise ship's not movin'. Why ain't it movin'?
I don't know. All right, gentlemen.
- You know the drill. - Okay, let's move out!
Bingo.
Relax, Hanover. This is a cruise ship.
- You're not gonna need your guns. - What if they attack us, man?
With what? Margaritas and tanning oil?
This place is a mess.
You want me to call housekeeping?
Use any and all force necessary. The intimidation factor must be high.
There's a lot of passengers on this ship.
Yep, and half of 'em are packin' lipstick.
- Careful you don't get glossed. - Cheer.
That was kind of fun.
Well, it was.
Everybody's in the atrium.
We'll pin 'em down there, then split up and finish the job. Sound off!
- We got the vault. Level six! - Casino! Level three.
- Bridge! - Bow, top level.
- Well, here come the party crashers. - I don't hear any party.
Everybody down! Nobody move!
Shit.
Man, looks like somebody had themselves one hell of a shindig.
We got blood here.
We got blood here too, mate.
We got blood everywhere.
I got a really bad feelin' about this.
Ground, atrium level. Please watch your step.
The doors are closing.
Where the hell is everybody?
Well, the lifeboats, they're all still here.
Where the hell is everybody?
Let's go!
Shit. Hanover, nobody home.
This place looks post evac, man. Total spooky town.
Looks like somebody beat you to the punch.
- Where the hell is everyone? - Who cares? Let's hit the vault and go.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Fuck me, man.
All right, knock it off!
I don't know what the hell's going on around here, but we've got a job to do.
- Machine shop. - Sublevel nine.
- T. Ray, Mamooli, take Finnegan and the grease monkey. - Take the freight elevators.
They're the only ones that go all the way to the bottom.
The rest of you come with me to the bridge.
Let's move! Move! Come on!
What the hell was that?
Yes. Not bad.
Clear.
The man did a good job of shutting everything down.
Yeah. But he wasn't supposed to stop the ship.
- Or kill everybody on it. - I don't see any bodies.
It's like... It's like everyone just... vanished.
Hey, is that you?
Turn up the pump, you idiot! We're sinking.
Relax, would ya! You're not the boss of me.
I知 the one supposed to be in charge around here.
- Billy, Billy, are you there? - What?
We've looked all around. There aren't any passengers.
What do you mean no passengers? How could there be no passengers?
- Have you seen anybody up there? - Nah, I ain't seen anybody.
Only an idiot would be out in this rain.
The hulls on these ships are supposed to be impregnable.
So what are you sayin'?
If the hull's impregnable, why are my feet wet?
It's a ghost ship.
- I vote we leave. Who votes we leave? - Shut up.
Mate, that's it. They thought they were sinking, so they abandoned ship.
Stupid bastards.
Oh, my God. He's right. You're right. Yeah.
They all jumped overboard. You know, I can just see the last asshole in sayin',
"Shit. We forgot the lifeboats. Guess we just gonna have to swim for it."
You got a real big mouth on you, you know that?
Yeah, I know that.
I don't like you.
You don't even know me.
Hey, check it out. It's my future ex-wives.
Mamooli, you bloody pervert, get your mind out of the gutter.
- Come on, hurry it up. - Whoa, man! What stinks?
Did I say it was you?
Man, this water's freezing!
I知 gonna catch me a cold.
Which one of you ladies wants to warm me up?
Hey, stay close.
- I didn't know you cared. - I care about your gun.
Mamooli, keep an eye on 'em.
What you got there?
- Peanut. - Peanut?
- Peanut. - Okay. Peanut.
Shit!
Hey!
Who's in there?
You come out now, or I'm gonna kick your ass.
T. Ray, what the hell are you doin'?
What the hell is that?
T. Ray?
What did you do?
- Huh? - Hey! What did you do?
- Don't shoot! - Well, what happened to T. Ray? What did you do to him?
We didn't do anything!
- Touch that and you're dead. - Relax! It wasn't us!
What the hell happened here?
- Please enter your security key card. - Hey!
- Well, what do you know? Sign of life. - With curves.
Excuse me, but this area's for authorized personnel only.
As the assistant to the purser, I'm afraid I'll have to report you.
- Where are the other passengers? - I don't know. Sleeping?
You tell me what happened here, or I pull the trigger.
- Who are you? - A passenger. Just a passenger.
Name's Trillian. And you are?
Thank you. Makes my job a lot easier.
- Glad to be of assistance. - So again, tell me what happened here.
- Where is everybody? - I thought you liked to blow things up.
- Good evening. The vault is now open. - I do.
Yes. Money, money, money, money.
Vivo!
Whoa-oa-oa! Stop!
- Jesus Christ! - Son of a bitch!
- No, no, no, no! - Come on!
Get outta here! Come on, get outta here!
I知 sorry! I thought it was one of them. I didn't know!
You just killed one of my best men!
I didn't mean to. I-I-I thought it was one of them! I didn't know.
- Those are innocent people in there! - Shut up!
- Who are you people?
- One of who? What are you talkin' about? - One of those things!
Haven't you seen them?
What's that? Speak up, Mamooli!
- You're cutting out. Repeat that! - Yeah, yeah.
Shut up, man. Listen! I think T. Ray's dead.
Forget about them. We gotta get out of here! There's somethin' down here!
Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!
There's nothin' down here but you and me. Hmm?
Go on! Get the parts now! Get the parts! Come on!
What the...
Mamooli! T. Ray!
They're everywhere. You hear me? We've got to get off this ship.
All right. Let's check it out.
- What about the vault? - It'll be here. Grab Vivo's gun. Go!
What the hell was that, Finnegan?
I don't know! I didn't get a good look!
You got all the parts?
If I don't, I ain't goin' back to get 'em.
Go!